We’re Not Right. We’re Not Left. We’re Not Even Standing.
Because standing for something is overrated.
“I’ve never stood for anything in my life. And thanks to the Leisure Party, I still don’t have to.”
In an age defined by exhaustion, outrage, and over-scheduling, The Leisure Party recognizes a nation divided not only by ideology, but even by the correct method of preparing bacon. Once a matter of taste, this debate—frying versus baking—has become symbolic of a deeper fracture: a people so polarized they can no longer share a breakfast table.
This spirit of division, paired with a culture that mistakes busyness for virtue, has left citizens weary, overworked, and under-relaxed. The Leisure Party rejects this cycle of strife and burnout. We affirm that non-commitment, happy hours, and leisure are not indulgences but essential civic duties.
To that end, The Party introduces The Acts of Leisure: a series of national initiatives designed to restore calm, protect the right to rest, and promote a culture of shared enjoyment.
OUR INITIATIVES
No Backyard Left Behind Act
The Leisure Party recognizes that millions of citizens continue to suffer from Grill Inequality. Outdoor cooking is hereby affirmed as a fundamental human right and an essential expression of leisure.
The N.B.Y.L.B.A. authorizes federal subsidies for grills, smokers, and any device capable of transforming raw ingredients into good times. Residency type shall not be a barrier to participation. Condo, apartment, or studio with a window and a fan — all shall be supported under this act.
Because equality should not end at the sliding glass door.
Big Beautiful Chill Act
The Leisure Party recognizes that modern life has become excessively fast, hostile, and over-scheduled. The Big Beautiful Chill Act establishes a federal framework to intentionally slow the nation down.
Under the provisions of the B.B.C.A., every citizen shall be guaranteed protected periods of sanctioned non-productivity. The Act introduces minimum rest standards across all forms of digital communication, including but not limited to Slack, Teams, text messages, and email.
Meetings, virtual or physical, shall not occur within sixty (60) minutes of a prior meeting.
Employers must also demonstrate good-faith efforts to reduce urgency theater and eliminate performative overwork. Similarly, organizations found to overuse terms such as “crush it,” “thought leadership,” “results-driven,” “leaning in,” “fast-paced culture,” or “rockstar mindset” shall be subject to immediate review and possible penalty.
The BYOB Act (IMMIGRATION)
The Leisure Party affirms an open and practical approach to immigration — one based not on origin, but on contribution and community.
Under the provisions of the B.Y.O.B. Act, individuals seeking entry may be granted provisional residency upon arrival with a recognized benefit in hand, along with a verified rideshare rating of 4.85 or higher and a demonstrated history of returning the shopping cart to the corral—widely accepted indicators of decency and respect for shared space.
Acceptable benefits shall include, but are not limited to, a six-pack of non-warm beer, a top-shelf spirit, an edible dip that maintains visual integrity for at least ten (10) minutes, a Bluetooth speaker with acceptable bass range, or a playlist containing no fewer than one (1) Hall & Oates deep cut. Charcoal and propane shall also qualify as valid forms of contribution.
Pathways to permanent status may include demonstrated excellence in playlist management, equitable sunscreen distribution, or consistent proficiency in the preparation of food and/or cocktails for communal enjoyment.
Applicants with a documented history of arriving empty-handed, maintaining substandard rideshare ratings, failing to return shopping carts, immediately requesting Wi-Fi passwords, engaging in unsanctioned aquatic urination in pools or hot tubs, or offering unsolicited grill advice such as “I’d go higher heat” shall be required to return home for a mandatory period of reflection and re-evaluation of their contribution to society.
Social Conduct Regulation & Oversight for Leisure and Life Act (S.C.R.O.L.L.)
The Leisure Party affirms that social media may serve legitimate leisure functions, including connection, coordination, and the communication of accepted leisure activities.
However, individuals with a documented history of performative posting on sites such as LinkedIn—including, but not limited to, vacation imagery labeled #LeadershipJourney; the framing of attendance at funerals, baptisms, brises, or other non-business ceremonies as lessons in sales or marketing; or the publication of shirtless photographs from gym restrooms accompanied by commentary on “resilience,” “discipline,” or other traits that should not require an audience—shall be denied entry or repatriated under the provisions of the S.C.R.O.L.L. Act.
Additionally, individuals found to have engaged in repeated acts of premeditated online crankiness—including, but not limited to, the unsolicited posting of inflammatory political memes or commentary (particularly before 9:00 a.m.); the spontaneous initiation of comment-thread arguments with relatives they haven’t spoken to since the Obama administration; or the unprovoked public declaration of “just saying what everyone’s thinking” to an unsuspecting audience—shall be subject to temporary social-media suspension and required to complete a recognized Digital Decompression Program prior to reapplication.
The Leisure Party affirms that disagreement is a sign of life, but morning meme warfare and drive-by style political shouting into the digital void are not. The Party recognizes these acts for what they are: caffeinated tantrums disguised as civic engagement. We encourage all citizens to redirect that energy into something truly vigorous but consistent with the ideals of the Party—tenderizing beef or chicken, shaking a proper martini, or the quiet, revolutionary act of logging off and embracing the sacred art of doing nothing.
The REST Act
American workers are technically granted vacation days but rarely granted permission to use them without judgment, delay, or subtle consequence. The REST Act establishes national standards for time-off transparency by requiring all employers to report both their official policies and their actual workplace practices.
Under REST, employers must publish an annual Time-Off Utilization Index (TOUI), reporting days requested, approved, and deferred, alongside any documented or observed barriers to time-off usage, including managerial discouragement, cultural pressure, or passive-aggressive comments such as “Sure, if you really think now’s the right time,” or “Must be nice.”
Job postings must include a PTO Expectation Disclosure, outlining the number of days considered standard, the average usage rate by current staff, and whether time off is operationally supported or merely symbolic.
Sweet Freedom Initiative (S.F.I.)
The Leisure Party recognizes that the current national anthem presents significant performance-related challenges for the general public. Its composition is vocally demanding, anxiety-inducing, and prone to catastrophic failure on Little League fields and major venues nationwide.
The Sweet Freedom Initiative (S.F.I.) proposes the formal adoption of Michael McDonald’s “Sweet Freedom” as the new national anthem. With its steady Yacht Rock tempo and inherent sense of personal liberation, Sweet Freedom embodies the relaxed, authentic, and good-natured spirit of a truly free people.
By replacing a song of strain with one of smoothness, the S.F.I. seeks to eliminate public performance anxiety in all forms.
From stadiums to karaoke lounges to sunset regattas, Sweet Freedom shall serve as the official anthem of a nation finally at ease with itself.